07 January 2011

A Case of Domestic/Elder Abuse

The following information I am posting is from public records. I have deleted the victims address for her privacy; the information has been cut and pasted and not modified other than to remove the address information and put Xs in for the alleged perpetrator's name.

XXXXX, SExxxxxxx - (M/?) Age:
Hemet , CA 92545-3878
Reported: 01/05/2011 by Crime Reporter: 5081
Crime Report #: 5625327
Source: Southwest Detention Center SDM PC243(E)(1) Battery On Spouse, Cohabitant, Or Former Spouse
368(C)Bail Amount: 25000
Residing in Crime Beat Zone: Riverside

Previously, it was possible to go to the Riverside County, California's website and do a name search for convictions. Now there is a charge to do this so I'm not posting additional information on this alleged abuser.

Why am I so interested in this case? Because the victim is my long-time friend's mother. SHE has been a long time friend to me too. She's a single lady and this man has taken advantage of her loneliness and good nature for many, many years. There has been numerous episodes of physical violence and "mind games" that he has pulled on her. The last time she ended up in the hospital and the only "good" thing this time is that it was in front of a witness. He is quite a bit younger than her--I believe he is in his early 40s--close to the age of my friend. I live on the other side of the country so I don't get to visit often. He does not contribute monetarily to their living situation--she pays for housing, utilities and food on the below-poverty-level income she receives. He contributes his appetites. He has a very checkered past with abusive treatment of ladies. As a matter of fact, he has been incarcerated twice for similar behaviors. The system is letting my dear friend's mom down. Her previous request for a restraining order was turned down and his past record probably wasn't taken into consideration otherwise I don't know how in their right minds the court in California did not grant her request. I was let down by the system when I lived in California. Because I was in the military, I was granted emergency orders to get out of state because I had documented the lack of protection the police offered me. This was 20+ years ago and I would have thought things had changed after the highly publicized trial of O.J. Simpson.

Here is some information on domestic abuse I found online--there is more information available there than what I have posted:

Understanding domestic violence and abuse

You don’t have to live in fear:

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at:
Domestic abuse, also known asspousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.
Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.
Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.

Recognizing abuse is the first step to getting help

Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to endure this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.

Signs of an abusive relationship

There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.

Below is a little bit on elder abuse from helpguide's site (more info is available there):

What is elder abuse

Your  elderly neighbor

There’s an elderly neighbor you’ve chatted with at civic meetings and block parties for years. When you see her coming to get her mail as you walk up the street, you slow down and greet her at the mailbox. She says hello but seems wary, as if she doesn’t quite recognize you. You ask her about a nasty bruise on her forearm. Oh, just an accident, she explains; the car door closed on it. She says goodbye quickly and returns to the house. Something isn’t quite right about her. You think about the bruise, her skittish behavior. Well, she’s getting pretty old, you think; maybe her mind is getting fuzzy. But there’s something else — something isn’t right.
As elders become more physically frail, they’re less able to stand up to bullying and or  fight back if attacked. They may not see or hear as well or think as clearly as they used to, leaving openings for unscrupulous people to take advantage of them. Mental or physical ailments may make them more trying companions for the people who live with them..
Tens of thousands of seniors across the United States are  being abused: harmed in some substantial way often people who are directly responsible for their care
More than half a million reports of abuse against elderly Americans reach authorities every year, and millions more cases go unreported.

Where does elder abuse take place?

Elder abuse tends to take place where the senior lives: most often in the home where abusers are apt to be adult children; other family members such as grandchildren; or spouses/partners of elders. Institutional settings especially long-term care facilities can also be sources of elder abuse.
Abuse of elders takes many different forms, some involving intimidation or threats against the elderly, some involving neglect, and others involving financial chicanery.

I believe, that in my friend's case, this is not only a case of domestic violence but also a case of elder-abuse. Elder abuse can affect anyone of us because let's face it--none of us is getting any younger and we may depend on someone for our care in the future.

Unfortunately, I live over 1000 miles away and can do little to help. She is welcome to come for a visit to get out of the situation and have the time to just relax and maybe get back into crocheting :).She doesn't have any other out--only her prayers and ours. If you have a chance, would you say a little prayer for her safety?

Thank you.

Two More Free Round Afghan Patterns Added to List

I added to the list of free round afghan patterns. There are 2 new patterns under today's date. The list is here or you can go up to the blog's header and there is a place to click there too. Y'all have a great weekend!

My Blog Won an Award!

I'm pretty excited because my blog won an award! Debi Y. of Hooks, Yarns, Crafts & Gardening selected ME. Now I need to tell you 7 things about myself that you probably don't know.

1. I'm deaf in my left ear and hard of hearing in my right ear. Hearing aids drive me crazy in crowds because noise is very aggravating like fingernails on a chalkboard--those of you in my age category know what that's like :)

2. Because of being a military family, it took me 6 colleges in 4 different states before I was able to get my BA at the ripe old age of 45

3. I was the first granddaughter on my mom's side of the family and my maternal grandmother and I shared the same birthday.

4. I'm a very introverted person, kind of a loner but blogging is bringing me out of my shell.

5. I'm becoming self-conscious in my old age about grammar and punctuation. I know I still make many mistakes but I sometimes lookup things such as "Does a period go inside of parentheses or outside?"

6. I'm a Facebook addict--especially the game Cafe World.

7. I'm older than my husband. Used to bother me until he turned gray and I started dying my hair!

Now I need to pass this on to a few other deserving bloggers. This is a tough decision because there are so many blogs I read. I'll do my best here and keep it to crochet and craft-type blogs.

If I understand the rules, winners should post the award on their blog, tell 7 things about themselves that aren't comonly known in blogland, and select blogs to pass the award on to. I chose 5 blogs because Debi did.